Last night I went to an alumni event for my old University, something I’ve been wanting to get to at least once for the last several years. I encountered a couple of friends, from one of the societies I was part of, and one of them mentioned he’d recently remembered he bought my book when I first published it and then never read it.

Generally my response would be to bother him about not reading it, but after the editing process I’ve been going through my response was ‘Oh, thank god, don’t read it for at least six months, I’ll be done editing by then.’

Looking back I feel like I rushed to get my book out in the world, to have it up on kindle and available to buy. Well, no one has really bought it, so I don’t feel so bad, but in the time since the original publication, my writing has changed and evolved so much that I look at it now and I think so much of it is written almost childishly. I have expanded the story into a second novel and two short stories, and I am currently editing them all for continuity with one another, and also just for…better words.

I enjoy people telling me they’ve liked a story I’ve written, something I get a good amount on my fanfiction writing, but when it comes to writing that I created, that aren’t just me playing with someone else’s characters, I’m always so terrified. It’s so much easier to play with something someone else has already built, it’s easier to have confidence in your writing. I’ve found when it’s my own creation, I always second guess myself at every decision, dialogue, you name it.

I have one project I started outlining over a year ago, with no expectations of coming close to even half a story for another five years at least. I don’t work on it every day, of course, I revisit it once a month or so, work on it for a week, then let it sit. I’m proud of it so far, but I’ve written four chapters I think, and the plan expands across 3-5 books. Shorter, yes, 80-100k each, not 250k per book, but still, it is a big story and I only know the basics. I still haven’t shared it with anyone at all.

One day, I want to be proud of my work and be able to re-read it and not be constantly picking it apart. I don’t think this is actually possible, I think the idea of being able to do that is an absolute myth, since we are our own worth critics, but still. I can dream, can I not?

To say I’m bad with words seems a bit incongruous with the fact that I’m a writer, but it’s true. I’m bad with words when they pertain to other things and other people. I can use words for any number of things, to my advantage, to someone else’s advantage, to make a point. But when it comes to, say, giving a review of a book, I can never find the words. I usually have nothing beyond ‘It was wonderful, read it read it read it!’

I’m particularly good at this blogging thing either. I do have a personal blog that somehow has over 50 followers (gasp) and I’m still not sure how that’s happened. It’s wonderful, but I remain confused.

I published my first book coming up on five years ago. About two weeks until it’s the 5 year anniversary, and honestly I’ve never been good at selling my own stuff, in any way. If I counted it up, the sales would still be under 100 copies, and, well. I still don’t know how to change that, but to me it was more important to have it out there so it could be found by someone who was looking for just that story. I certainly know I’ve read and loved books that aren’t widely marketed or known and I’m just happy that they were shared so I could find and read them.

I have no real intentions here, because whenever I have an intention or an expectation I usually fall far short of the mark so. I’ve moved this whole site over from a website domain I’ve been paying for because well, there wasn’t much point to keep paying for it when I was getting no hits and it was just sitting there. The content has been cleaned up and polished a bit, and I might write the occasional blog post.

I’m more active on Instagram these days with quotes and little things about writing, some photos, just general things. You can find it if you look for caitlinsumnerauthor or blackwingphotos. One thing I want to do on instagram is recommend books more often, which I’m trying to do if I manage to read, and not be distracted by everything else going on. You can find one of my story categories dedicated to books (although at this moment there are only two there) and see what you think.

Anyway, I’m off back to my knitting and my attempt to warm up my toes after freezing them on the tile floor this morning because I didn’t get my slippers.

Much love.

Caitlin